June 1st, 2009
Well, a whole week has passed without being hacked! I hope that I never have to go through that again. It was a long and trying process: reformatting, reinstalling, virus scans, spyware scans, firewall downloads. Argghhh… none of that worked! It finally dawned on me, my PC was posessed!
I began my search for an exorcist. Since my PC was an avowed agnostic that proved to make the task more daunting, but I was eventually able to persuade Father Guido Sarducci to pay us a visit. Upon entering the room, Father Sarducci stated that he indeed did feel an evil, malevolent presence emanating from my PC. He sprinkled a few drops of Holy Water (odd that he keeps it in a vodka bottle) in a circular pattern around the PC. That was when things got weird. Ok, they were weird before, but this got scary weird. The hard drive lights started flashing, the PC began erratic boot cycles and the CD drive doors began opening and closing in a random fashion! When Father Sarducci began speaking the rituals of exorcism, a torrent of vile smelling megabytes began spewing forth all over the good Father. This stopped the exorcism process as Father Sarducci stormed out of the house screaming something about dry cleaning costs. I was on my own again and could swear I heard a deep rumbling laugh (with a chinese accent) emanate from the bowels of my PC (or maybe the power supply, I dunno).
That was when I could hear those familiar troll voices from WoW saying, “Stay ‘way from de Voodoo, mon”. That had to be it… somehow the bad mojo had invaded my PC. I had no choice but to fight Voodoo with Voodoo. I sent a plea for help to Marie Laveau, the famed Voodoo Queen of New Orleans. She immediately sent me a Voodoo kit guaranteed to fix all my PC problems (only $19.95).
The box arrived in the mail a few days later. It contained some small wooden skewers, a voodoo doll, a small bottle of rum, a few packages of varying dusts and salts, and a detailed set of instructions which I followed to the letter. I carefully opened the PC case and removed some of the dust that had accumulated inside. That dust was inserted into an opening in the back of the voodoo doll along with the salts included in the Voodoo kit. The doll was then carefully sewn shut with the blackened bone needle and sinew (also included in the kit).
I was instructed to then open the little vial of rum, pour it into my mouth and spew it onto the doll. Then I was to immediately sprinkle the Voodoo dust from the kit over the doll’s head while chanting “chinese hacker, chinese hacker” repeatedly. Seemed like a waste of perfectly good rum, but I wasn’t taking any chances and did as I was instructed. After five minutes of chanting, I was to then place all of the wooden skewers into the doll at various points illustrated in the kit while holding the doll over the PC.
Once the ritual was completed, the instructions said that my PC was now free of hackers and so far that seems to be the case. The doll was smelling kind of rank and the instructions didn’t say anything about disposal, so I removed the wooden skewers and tossed it to the dogs for a chew toy. I can’t be sure, but I thought I actually heard tiny little chinese screams as both dogs fought over their new toy. Meh, whatever dude… hope ya’ like doggy breath!
So, I am finally hacker-free and back to playing WoW again (all while retaining my sense of humor, no less)! Setting up keybinds and all the other “personalized touches” in WoW is taking a little time, but I am getting there. I think everything is pretty much back to normal, but I have noticed that Seabrat now has these strangely glowing eyes….
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